hmmm i am having one of those days where i know i want more. i want change so much. i want to write for me again...searching for PhD options...schools, ect. thinking about a few of the stories i began to write and wondering if i have the nerves to take it on and begin to write.
i have been reading so much lately and wonder at the inspiration i am feeling.
i want to move...i want change....yet i am stuck. so stuck. the boys "need" the schools they are in. but i hate vancouver these days. seriously. my life is work, boys schools, boys doctor appointments, more work and occasionally i escape to a book.
i have been sick all week. some flu. but it actually wasn't all that bad because i was able to give myself permission to tell work i was too sick and i stayed in bed (a lot) and read and slept. drank lots of ginger ale. cuddled my dogs and watched a couple movies with the boys.
i am inspired by one of my good friends list of things to accomplish (i have not made one of these recently) and even more inspired by her posting it! nothing like stating ones intentions to the universe!
fearlessly i take the plunge forward each day. i know i want to move...but where and what work? and what about PhD? i want to live somewhere my boys can play outside and not have to worry about people and fast cars and gangs that they may join as they rebel.
it is raining yuck. makes me miss the snow. i know then there is the cold!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
waking up
do you ever have a morning when you wake up and realize that months have passed. really...where have the days weeks ect gone? I know that 3 or 4 years ago maybe four...everyday was an invigorating new adventure. i barely slept (insomnia yes my dear night friend). i managed to attend school, raise children, go on walks in the woods, on the beach, paint all night, or write, have a lover... the time spun around me like leaves on a fall wind storm. i was so sure that every moment was going to be just like this. swirling so fiercely that tears stung my face.
then i woke up and it is today. i have a great job and cute kids. i sleep most nights and when i don't i diligently attempt to sleep. i have not painted in at least 6 months, although i have about 10 painting ideas sitting at the centre of my brain waiting, waiting to be brought onto canvas. i have not written anything that was not academic or for work in a year but there are stories on the tip of my tongue every night while i lie awake.
my dreams i used to laugh aloud as i recorded them for some shrink somewhere to divine the meaning of when i published them in my old age. and here i am.
i will share a dream i had two nights ago...these days i am having rodent issues (again) and still have the phobia of the darn things. ah the stories about squirrels and SFU i could tell..
so hear was my dream, or part of it:
i am sitting at the bottom of a tree and two people are talking to the mice. i can hear their prayers as they sing the rodents out of the floor. then i realize that my legs are part of the trees and then i can feel the mice climbing to the surface of my skin. i can see them racing to find a way out as the singing gets louder. (i cannot remember the words but the power raised the hair on my neck and my stomach shuddered with the vibration of their voices). my legs split like bark that has grown too tight on the tree and the slivers splash outward. then the mice run. they scatter around and i cannot move because my legs are split open. but they leave and i fall into the arms of the singers. then i wake.
all day yesterday i thought i ought to write that out. but i could not find the inner energy to record it. this used to be one of my great pleasures..after nights of insomnia i would have some crazy relevant dream and i would race to open my computer or journal to catch every thought as it tumbled out of my sleepy head.
i think i need to find time to paint. i need to pull the creative juices out of head and through my fingertips...or maybe i will wake up and it will be 2012.
then i woke up and it is today. i have a great job and cute kids. i sleep most nights and when i don't i diligently attempt to sleep. i have not painted in at least 6 months, although i have about 10 painting ideas sitting at the centre of my brain waiting, waiting to be brought onto canvas. i have not written anything that was not academic or for work in a year but there are stories on the tip of my tongue every night while i lie awake.
my dreams i used to laugh aloud as i recorded them for some shrink somewhere to divine the meaning of when i published them in my old age. and here i am.
i will share a dream i had two nights ago...these days i am having rodent issues (again) and still have the phobia of the darn things. ah the stories about squirrels and SFU i could tell..
so hear was my dream, or part of it:
i am sitting at the bottom of a tree and two people are talking to the mice. i can hear their prayers as they sing the rodents out of the floor. then i realize that my legs are part of the trees and then i can feel the mice climbing to the surface of my skin. i can see them racing to find a way out as the singing gets louder. (i cannot remember the words but the power raised the hair on my neck and my stomach shuddered with the vibration of their voices). my legs split like bark that has grown too tight on the tree and the slivers splash outward. then the mice run. they scatter around and i cannot move because my legs are split open. but they leave and i fall into the arms of the singers. then i wake.
all day yesterday i thought i ought to write that out. but i could not find the inner energy to record it. this used to be one of my great pleasures..after nights of insomnia i would have some crazy relevant dream and i would race to open my computer or journal to catch every thought as it tumbled out of my sleepy head.
i think i need to find time to paint. i need to pull the creative juices out of head and through my fingertips...or maybe i will wake up and it will be 2012.
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